Throughout my whole life I’ve never felt like I belonged in this world. Now, after the years of psychological pain and self loathing, I finally thought there was some hope. I was lucky enough to find that one person in a million who I really believed offered the prospect of happiness and the possibility of a new dawn; a future to look forwards to and leave the past behind.
It wasn’t a quick fix and we agreed to take it slow, building a friendship based on honesty instead of just jumping in. They said they felt the same and I opened doors which should’ve remained closed. It was still a whirlwind romance but one that had pages and pages of honest communication before we even met and got closer but still without doing the obvious thing and jumping into bed.
It was tender and kind and I felt safe again. Not something I’ve ever had much of. After spending a beautiful summers day just being close and talking a lot, probably too much on my part, suddenly it was over, just like that. The reason; they listened to my stories of travel and times gone by and decided that they needed to experience more of life. I have been lucky and seen quite a lot of the world but only because by chance a hobby facilitated it but it didn’t last and was a flash in time.
That was a long time ago and since I have suffered defeat after defeat, trouble and trauma beyond most people’s worst nightmares. Mostly self inflicted because of the feeling of not belonging, not fitting in and being undervalued.
I am a prisoner in my own head. I let someone I cared deeply about into that place and now I feel even lower than I did before. I still don’t really understand why they took that decision. If they are being truthful then they said I made them feel inferior. How crazy that somebody who has made such a mess of their life can make someone with everything going for them feel inferior I’ll never truly know.
The world has done it’s dirty job yet again and the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow feels like it will always be out of reach.
I’m alone, messed up and now broken hearted like never before.
There is only so much pain a person can take whoever they are and ‘escaping’ into a world of numbness by self medicating only makes it worse as I know all too well.
Perhaps I am finally broken beyond repair. I am not blaming the person who, for an all too brief moment in time brought me happiness beyond that that I have ever known. I can only hope they too realise what could have been and think again what we could’ve had together. Everybody needs to be loved.
If they did, I’m still here but for how long? Who knows……