The Pain that Never Ends……

17 Aug

Throughout my whole life I’ve never felt like I belonged in this world. Now, after the years of psychological pain and self loathing, I finally thought there was some hope. I was lucky enough to find that one person in a million who I really believed offered the prospect of happiness and the possibility of a new dawn; a future to look forwards to and leave the past behind.

It wasn’t a quick fix and we agreed to take it slow, building a friendship based on honesty instead of just jumping in. They said they felt the same and I opened doors which should’ve remained closed. It was still a whirlwind romance but one that had pages and pages of honest communication before we even met and got closer but still without doing the obvious thing and jumping into bed.

It was tender and kind and I felt safe again. Not something I’ve ever had much of. After spending a beautiful summers day just being close and talking a lot, probably too much on my part, suddenly it was over, just like that. The reason; they listened to my stories of travel and times gone by and decided that they needed to experience more of life. I have been lucky and seen quite a lot of the world but only because by chance a hobby facilitated it but it didn’t last and was a flash in time.

That was a long time ago and since I have suffered defeat after defeat, trouble and trauma beyond most people’s worst nightmares. Mostly self inflicted because of the feeling of not belonging, not fitting in and being undervalued.

I am a prisoner in my own head. I let someone I cared deeply about into that place and now I feel even lower than I did before. I still don’t really understand why they took that decision. If they are being truthful then they said I made them feel inferior. How crazy that somebody who has made such a mess of their life can make someone with everything going for them feel inferior I’ll never truly know.

The world has done it’s dirty job yet again and the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow feels like it will always be out of reach.

I’m alone, messed up and now broken hearted like never before.

There is only so much pain a person can take whoever they are and ‘escaping’ into a world of numbness by self medicating only makes it worse as I know all too well.

Perhaps I am finally broken beyond repair. I am not blaming the person who, for an all too brief moment in time brought me happiness beyond that that I have ever known. I can only hope they too realise what could have been and think again what we could’ve had together. Everybody needs to be loved.

If they did, I’m still here but for how long? Who knows……

Infinity

Never Ending…

BREXSHIT – What They Didn’t Tell You……

4 Aug

One of the single most important parts of the UK’s exit from the EU is Article 50 of the Lisbon Treaty; the treaty which none of us voted for. It sets out the terms and conditions of the negotiations surrounding any country’s exit. Here are some of the non-negotiable clauses that could easily leave us up the proverbial creak without a paddle……

TWO YEARS keeps popping up in interviews with politicians; why? Because of Clause Four of Article 50 of the Lisbon Treaty. What it basically says is that, if we haven’t agreed a unilaterally acceptable exit from the EU within two years, we no longer have a seat at the table and the Ts&Cs of our exit will decided by the remaining 27 nations.  This is almost certainly going to happen.

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Theresa May

First of all we are attempting to negotiate differing arrangements with each member state. There are 27 of them and, so far, we haven’t managed to agree anything with anyone (taking into account the fact that Dave the Pig fucker has already been talking with them for over two years before the referendum and got nowhere).  Mrs. Thatcher, sorry, Theresa May hasn’t exactly been gleefully pontificating about her own successful agreements since nobody elected her and she’s only got another 24 heads of state to disagree with.

Another big problem is the lack of a unilaterally proposed exit agreement. Even if by some miracle we did manage to agree on a different solution with each country, all 27 of them then have to be in agreement with each other for us to get the exit strategy we want (and I haven’t yet heard a reasonable explanation of precisely what that is?)

WE’VE CHANGED OUR MIND – Tuff shit! When you’re out, you’re out. There’s no going back. The only way to re-join the EU is to start from scratch and apply just like any other country, which would take years……

So, whether you voted to stay or leave, it changes nothing. Unfortunately, a very large percentage of people voted to leave for one of two reasons: 1 – To stop all those pesky immigrants from taking our jobs, houses and scrounging from the DWP. 2 – To stop the ‘so called’ Islamic State from terrorising us, when it’s actually the other way around (so far all acts of terrorism have been carried out by British Nationals who were born here)……

AND FINALLY – All of this will make very little difference to you, me and 97% of the population. We’ll still get fucked over at every possible opportunity. Just one payday away from destitution……

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SHUT THE DOOR ON YOUR WAY OUT……

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Boys Don’t Cry……

24 Jul

Who Am I……

‘The answer to this question is one that I don’t even know myself. What I do know is that who I am has made me what I am, and that’s not something I want to be, it’s not something I like and it’s not something I know how to even begin to change……’

Having the Rug Pulled out from Under You……

Since I can remember there hasn’t been a day that I haven’t been reminded in some way, directly or in ignorance, that being ‘one of those’ is about the worst thing you can be. It’s soul destroying. The more it’s repeated, the more it sinks in, to the point that I actually believe it myself. I’d give anything to be something else, someone else, somewhere else. I’d like to fall asleep and never wake up.

Wearing the Face that I Keep in a Jar by the Door……

Many people who know me won’t recognise the real me. Having spent 40+ years living with it I’ve become an expert at hiding the reality or hiding behind the self inflicted substance issues that make it seem like a secondary issue, but only superficially. To the world you’re waste of space because you’re a junkie. To you being a junkie is a way of hiding from a reality that’s too hard to deal with.

It is so fundamentally undermining that it affects the very substance of what you are. Even my own Mother who I love dearly cannot see the damage that gets done when she tells me how my Grandparents used to refer to people like me back when Larry Grayson and Danny La Rue used to appear on TV. I’ve heard it my whole life from relatives, school friends, teachers, ‘comedians’ and acquaintances. But that’s me. That’s what I am; strange, unnatural, defective, wrong.

I’m leaving out the horror stories and the psychological trauma for another time but where am I now and where do I go from here? Yet more questions to which I have no answers. I find myself isolated, cut off by the mistakes I’ve made, seemingly with no way back. When I look in a mirror I see nothing appealing. Just a bald, ageing, insecure, unattractive nobody with bad teeth.

I haven’t felt the closeness of having someone to hold at night, someone nonjudgmental, warm. Not for 15 years. I feel so alone……

Bring Out Your Dead & Your Cheque Book

8 Jun

Proprium Corpus [Latin – Own the Body]

For legal purposes a dead body doesn’t belong to anyone & why should it. After all in life the right to self determination and autonomy are enshrined in multiple articles of international Human Rights Law and only under very rare circumstances can you be forced to do something against your will. So why does the ownership of a dead body matter? When your loved ones get the bill from the funeral directors & they want £5,000, (minus the headstone; another £1,000 at least) – that’s when……

So, why do we spend unbelievable amounts of money disposing of the dead? Tradition; predominantly as result of anachronous Christian doctrine, which the majority of intelligent people accept is nonsense but blindly follow anyway. A dead body is dead body; the transient shell of a conscious, thinking person. I’m not suggesting that the loss of a loved one should not be honoured & their life celebrated, but there is nothing to stop that happening without having to adhere to the usual inordinately expensive cost of a ‘traditional’ funeral. So, whose responsibility is it to pay the bill?

Usually, the family take care of the arrangements but they are under no obligation to do so. Lack of knowledge is what can make you unwittingly liable. Firstly, acting as the executor makes you automatically liable. Many people take on this role unknowingly. For example: your relative or friend dies. Liability is the last thing on your mind when you are in shock, devastated at your loss & in the surreal bubble that is the precursor to mourning. Even if there is a will naming you as the executor you are under no obligation to accept. But if you unwittingly handle any part of the process, such as registering the death, you become responsible. It is your right to simply say it has nothing to do with you and responsibility becomes a matter of public health. Responsibility becomes the duty of the state. They then make and pay for the arrangements; sometimes referred to as ‘a pauper’s funeral’. Although the term is an antiquated leftover from the 19th century, it does tend to put emotional pressure on people who are already in a delicate disposition……

Secondly, if you arrange the funeral you have entered into a legally binding contract with the funeral director, who can later sue for breach of contract if it turns out that the deceased assets do not cover the cost of the funeral. Not something that is made clear as you are whisked off into the room with the comfortable sofas and they begin the emotional manipulation by talking about your loved ones whilst writing down a long wish list, none of which is priced as you go. Only when you’ve made your choices does the calculator appear and, let’s face it, nobody’s going to start asking where they can skim off a few quid.

So, there you go. When I snuff it don’t have anything to do with me. Oh, and don’t do the sycophantic “What a fantastic bloke he was” bullshit. Tell it like it really was. In fact, don’t tell it at all……

Remember, just say NO…….

Apples, Gravity and Tall Tales……

30 Mar

 

‘Nothing imprints a story on the public’s imagination like a good anecdote. Not all are mythological or embellished. However, some accounts of purported events are clearly exaggerated and don’t add up……’

A recent item on the local BBC news covered a story of cuttings from the Apple tree at Woolsthorpe Manor, the ancestral home of Sir Isaac Newton, being taken to keep alive the source from which the apocryphal falling Apple inspired the Natural Philosopher to formulate his theories of gravitational attraction. But several things about this legendary story don’t add up.

imageThe story of the the Apple falling on Sir Isaac Newton’s head first appeared in the “Memoirs of Sir Isaac Newton’s Life”, written by William Stukeley and published in 1687. As a young man, Newton returned to Woolsthorpe, Lincolnshire to avoid the Plague. Newton was born on 25 December 1642. The Plague affected England in 1665/1666 when Newton was 23 years old, which leads to the conclusion that story was at least 22 years old upon publication. Newton makes no mention of falling Apples in “The Principia Mathematica”, which has led many scholars to believe it never actually happened and may have been used by Newton, first as a metaphor in lectures, and latter as an embellished anecdote at dinner parties.

Whether you choose to believe the story or not, there is still a problem with the BBC imagenews story. The preservation of the tree which sits in a small garden at Woolsthorpe is very unlikely to be the same allegorical tree because Apple trees usually only have a life span of 80 to 120 years. The oldest recorded Apple tree is 204 years old; still not old enough to be the tree under which Newton supposedly had his epiphany that led to his theory of gravitational attraction in 1665/1666.

I don’t question the validity and genius of Newton’s work, given what was known about physics at the time. Nor do I have a problem with the story of the falling Apple being used to educate children in schools today. But to make them believe that they may have a sibling of the original tree in the school gardens is on a par with the suspect King James Bible, venerated in every RE department and purporting to be “the gospels” of Jessie Chreezies disciples, which anyone with an IQ of above 80 should know to be nonsense, had they not been lied too since childhood by bigoted self-serving zealots with their own disreputable agenda……

Perhaps they could plant them next to the tree of “forbidden fruit” from the garden of Eden next to Jack’s Beanstalk……?

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What is Reality……

8 Mar

The answer to the question “What is reality?” is actually quite simple and can be put into one short sentence: it’s whatever you perceive as real. However, the simplicity immediately becomes complicated by the word ‘perceive’. Perception is subjective but there are many things we all perceive in a very similar way, but those things, such as the sky being blue are largely down to a common evolution. In the case of the sky, we agree on the colour because the receptors in our eyes are fundamentally the same in everyone (unless you are colour blind, which is a genetic defect of the eye). There is, however, a further complication to reality which is much, much deeper……

It is well known that an atom is predominantly empty space. It could be argued that it contains nothing ‘solid’ at all as we probe ever deeper. If everything we perceive as solid contains nothing at all, then how can anything exist to make our reality? This is the point at which we have to disassociate everything we think of as real and remind ourselves that perception is nothing more than an interpretation created by the sensory input to our brains. It becomes difficult to discuss, because all we have is language and mathematics to describe things, and both are coloured by our perception of reality……

Physicists ran into difficulties in the early 20th century. Called ‘The measurement problem’, the act of making a measurement actually affects the outcome. This is easily demonstrated visually with the famous double slit experiment, is still as yet unexplained and is one of the central mysteries of quantum mechanics. Follow this link to see a demonstration and the paradox will become clear. A well known thought experiment by Erwin Schrödinger in 1935 applies the double slit experiment to the macro scale with a cat in a box. Follow this link to learn about Schrödinger’s Cat and the paradoxical nature of the measurement problem becomes abundantly clear……

As we have developed the technology to ‘see’ things on smaller and smaller scales using particle accelerators, it appears that our ‘solid’ particles vanish altogether and all we are left with are forces and ‘virtual’ particles. The illusion of reality is a consequence of those forces being slowed down by the Higg’s mechanism; a sort of cosmic treacle that slows down the forces from the speed of light, giving them mass. Without it everything in the universe would move at the speed of light and nothing would exist at all……

So, what is reality? In our daily lives it is what we see, no matter how strange it is. But we have to accept that it is an illusion and, personally, I don’t believe we will ever really know. It’s a Rabbit hole which just get stranger the further down you go……

The reality right now is that I need a coffee, a smoke and more time to scratch my head……

Infinity

Great Fucking Britain……

27 Jan

Cold, grey, miserable shit hole. One week of sunshine but not in succession.
Oppressive routines, zero hour, three month contracts that don’t even pay the bills.
Employers that want more from their Sheep for less and less. No taxes for those cunts though.
Scraping a living like a Seagull on a rubbish dump. Begging bowl in hand when management consultants have taken your job. Treated like Oliver Twist, “Please Sir, can I have some more?”
No car? No life. The next bus should be along in an hour; maybe two, just as long as it hasn’t gone half past six.
Need a doctor? Try again tomorrow if you’re not dead.
Kids glued permanently to their iPhone, common sense absent from their minds.
Press one to be put on hold whilst we charge you and connect you to the first available moron that can’t help due to a complete apathy, no box to tick and no incentive to tick it anyway.
Taxed to fuck at every opportunity unless you happen to be in the ‘club’.
Need somewhere to live? No problem if you like damp, cold flats on estates filled with the dispossessed.
Insecurity, depression, despair. We’ve got it all in Great fucking Britain.
And for what? There is no after, just like there was no before.
You can kid yourself there’s a God, pay lip service with prayers at the funerals that become more and more frequent as you slowly wither away till you’re institutionalised and they take away what little you may have saved over a lifetime.
Truth is, you’re just an over developed evolutionary bacteria whose only purpose is to replicate DNA. Not even an option for me.
I don’t deny we live on a beautiful planet but one which I’ll never get to see from the metaphorical prison in which I’m serving ‘life’.
So, Great fucking Britain, what’s the point……

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