Genesis – Let there be Light……

Day One……

According to the bible on the first day God created a watery, formless planet Earth, suspended in the dark void of space.

This is clearly nonsense.  As any 1^st year secondary school child knows, water is a molecule comprising of 2 Hydrogen atoms and 1 Oxygen atom (H2O).  God, presumably having no insight into the Periodic Table and the transmutation of one element into another by nuclear fusion inside stars, created water before creating Helium, Lithium, Beryllium, Boron, Carbon and Nitrogen.  He also asserted that this happened in the dark void of space, absent of the stars required for this process to happen.  Then, in an astonishing realisation of this oversight, he created light which comes from the stars he had not yet created.  Okay so we’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and presume he got the list muddled up, after all he did have shit loads to do in a week and we all know that feeling, like when you go to Tesco’s and forget the coffee because you put it on the list next to the beans and they’d rearranged the store when you got there, again……

Day Two……

On day two God formed Earth’s atmosphere, separating the water into, we are told, two parts; oceanic and subterranean water and, atmospheric water.  Yet again, God appears to have cocked up.  On the first day he created an Earth without form which now, by way of having subterranean water, must therefore have a terrain in order to accommodate a sub?  At this point on the second day God was obviously tired and realising the enormity of his undertaking called time, cracked open a beer and went to bed.  Oh, shit, if only he’d remembered to create beer and beds before water.  Clearly, even God fucks up sometimes and he hasn’t even gotten to the Duck Billed Platypus and cheap Nylon Pyjamas yet!……

Day Three……

By now panic has set in.  God tells us that he created dry land and the oceans.  Having already told us that he’d created oceanic water one must assume that he didn’t think we be able to work out what would be left over in the gaps between the dry land; whatever.  Next he performs a feat David (the wanker) Blaine would have been impressed by and creates all plant life, self seeding and fruit bearing (the fruit bit’s important as Adam will see later).  At this point God also created the Garden of Eden which I’m sure he knew would come in handy when he created cheap package tours to Turkey.  Incidentally, he hadn’t yet created Turkeys but, being a bloke, probably left the Christmas stuff till the last minute……

Day Four……

Day four is where the confusion really sets in.  He reportedly created the Sun, Moon and Stars and, having realised the immense cock up in the order of things necessary to create the stuff he’d already created, slipped in the rest of the universe and hoped no-one would notice.  We did……

Day Five……

Having spent the previous day correcting the mistakes of the first three days God created all of the creatures in the sea and the birds, all of which were vegetarians, handy as he’d created the veg on day three.  Precisely why they were all veggies at the beginning isn’t clear but if like me having spent years living on a veggie diet they probably swam, or flu past a Burger King, said “fuck it” and went for the bacon double cheese……

Day Six……

This was a particularly busy day for God.  All of the rest of the stuff he’d skipped over needed finishing off.  First on the list; land animals (again vegetarian, which begs the question “was God a hippy?”) and, animals which move close to the ground?  An interesting category presumably stuff like Bassett Hounds and Dwarfs.  And, with a clue as to what was to come, animals of use to man as livestock.  Finally, having created just about everything God needed he created an animal capable of expressing and understanding abstract concepts using the power of language, otherwise the previous five days would have been a waste of time.  Enter; mankind (and totty) although man came first which in an ironic twist of God’s creation, happens on a frequent basis according to Germaine Greer……

Day Seven……

 

Probably feel quite smug by now, God decided to do fuck all.  Instead of all this manic creating he decided to hatch a plan.  God thought, “I know what I’ll do.  I’ll wait 4 or 5 billion years, then send my son down to my creation and with any luck they’ll nail him to a cross for saying how nice it would be if they all just stop fighting”.  His plan worked perfectly and they all lived unhappily ever after.  Thank goodness he remembered to create Valium……

And there ends the story of creation which, frighteningly, ¾ of Americans believe actually happened, just like I said it did……

Please address all hate mail to:

 

The Minister of State for Blasphemous Blogs

In the Big Castle with the Expensive Wallpaper

London

SW1

 

DISCLAIMER: NOT ALL RELIGIOUS TEXTS ARE WHOLY ACCURATE AND MAY CONTAIN SOME EXAGERATED CLAIMS.  IF YOU ARE EXPERIENCING ANY FEELINGS OF BLASPHEMOUS HATRED PLEASE ADVISE YOUR DOCTOR WHO WILL BE ABLE TO REFER YOU TO A SHRINK (EVENTUALLY).