Boys Don’t Cry……

24 Jul

Who Am I……

‘The answer to this question is one that I don’t even know myself. What I do know is that who I am has made me what I am, and that’s not something I want to be, it’s not something I like and it’s not something I know how to even begin to change……’

Having the Rug Pulled out from Under You……

Since I can remember there hasn’t been a day that I haven’t been reminded in some way, directly or in ignorance, that being ‘one of those’ is about the worst thing you can be. It’s soul destroying. The more it’s repeated, the more it sinks in, to the point that I actually believe it myself. I’d give anything to be something else, someone else, somewhere else. I’d like to fall asleep and never wake up.

Wearing the Face that I Keep in a Jar by the Door……

Many people who know me won’t recognise the real me. Having spent 40+ years living with it I’ve become an expert at hiding the reality or hiding behind the self inflicted substance issues that make it seem like a secondary issue, but only superficially. To the world you’re waste of space because you’re a junkie. To you being a junkie is a way of hiding from a reality that’s too hard to deal with.

It is so fundamentally undermining that it affects the very substance of what you are. Even my own Mother who I love dearly cannot see the damage that gets done when she tells me how my Grandparents used to refer to people like me back when Larry Grayson and Danny La Rue used to appear on TV. I’ve heard it my whole life from relatives, school friends, teachers, ‘comedians’ and acquaintances. But that’s me. That’s what I am; strange, unnatural, defective, wrong.

I’m leaving out the horror stories and the psychological trauma for another time but where am I now and where do I go from here? Yet more questions to which I have no answers. I find myself isolated, cut off by the mistakes I’ve made, seemingly with no way back. When I look in a mirror I see nothing appealing. Just a bald, ageing, insecure, unattractive nobody with bad teeth.

I haven’t felt the closeness of having someone to hold at night, someone nonjudgmental, warm. Not for 15 years. I feel so alone……

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