An Embarrassing Waste of Space but not for Long……

15 Oct

When I was a small child and new that I was different in my attraction to members of the same sex, I lived in fear.  Fear that my dirty little secret would be found out; the dirty little secret that was reaffirmed by my peers and family and which I was truly terrified would be exposed. Having left school I came clean about my dirty little secret to my mother whose primary concern appeared to be the embarrassment and shame I’d bring upon the family, so I was told to bury it under the carpet and hide it from my father as he would disown me.  Buried away with that secret was the abuse that some people in authority used to abuse me before I new any better.  They told me that my dirty, embarrassing little secret would be out if I said anything.  The shear fear of the ‘outing’ was stronger than the pain of the abuse, so I took it.


Then there was the constant reminder that I wasn’t my high achieving sister, yet another failure of character that was rubbed in through primary and secondary school.  Second rate and never measuring up to my sister.


After leaving school the dirty secrets had to remain buried to save face for my loving parents but then came the next succession of failures.  Failed as a musician, failed in stable employment and failed financially.


By now I had found escapism in drugs of one form or another.  It’s easy to escape your failures when you’re heads somewhere else.  Inevitably, this became another embarrassment and failure for my family to rub in.  Self inflicted I accept but hardly surprising considering the monumental weight of failures and guilt I carried upon my shoulders.


Even in the few relationships I managed to form and thought of as love have been dysfunctional and usually violent with me blaming myself for the abuse I suffered, after all it felt like it was the way it was meant to be; it had been from my early life and throughout it.  My failings, my shortcomings.


Now my father is gone and my sister too, I am constantly reminded of the burden I am placing on my mother, without whom I would already be dead.  Well enough is enough.  I’m sick of being a failure and feeling guilty for being alive.  I am ready to get out once and for all.  No more embarrassment, no more disgrace, no more burdens and no more pain.


My considered response to taking an exit will be very final, very definitive and very effective.  I will suffer life for as long as it takes to put in place the things to guarantee the end but end it I will.  I have suffered my whole life and there is only one way to stop that suffering.




One Response to “An Embarrassing Waste of Space but not for Long……”

  1. RAJIOW October 15, 2012 at 8:28 pm #

    Don’t. Other people have survived, got help, learnt that people can love them, and you can too. Your mum loves you otherwise she would have left you on your own. Build on that. Love yourself too. Try to get some help.

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