Kurt Cobain, A Desire to Die……

5 Oct

No Present, No Future, No Past……

 

No Present……

 

My present is like a non stop film playing on a loop.  Ground Hog Day.  The same empty void filled with fear.

 

No Past……

 

The past is filled with do much pain it has ground to halt.

 

The Future……

 

The future is the scariest thing of all.  Governed by the past and controlled by the present.  THERE IS NO FUTURE………

 

Kurt Cobain, A Desire to Leave……

At the age of 27 Kurt Cobain took his own life.  He was, at that time, the biggest rock star on the planet.  Despite all of the money and all of the success, he lived in an empty mansion and, for reasons only known to him, went into his outhouse, cooked up one final hit and blew his own head off with a shotgun……

I have spent many hours contemplating his choice of suicide.  The only conclusion I can draw is that, despite being in a position to take a massive overdose, there was always the chance that he would be found and brought back into the world he hated so much.  It is for that reason he needed closure and, for all…

I have also thought deeply about making the final exit, but in a similar process of logic, I fear that I could be found, resuscitated and would have to face the world I loath again.  Unlike Kurt, I don’t have either access to money or guns, which complicates the decision of how to end things, permanently.  The strength of the drugs available on the streets is not sufficient to guarantee the desired objective, even when taking into account the large quantity of Benzodiazepines at my disposal.  My will power is weak and jumping from a high building would give me too much thinking time and I would loose my nerve.  I could pull the trigger in the knowledge that it would be instantaneous and final, but that isn’t an option open to me.  I am also reliably informed that even if I were to take a months worth of Valium in one go, if I was found there is a strong chance that I could be brought back……

What I need is a method by which my demise is definitive, irreversible and final, devoid of anything that could reverse the process I embarked upon.   A method by which, even if I were found there would be nothing anybody could do to intervene to make any difference……

Considerations for Plan A……

I have contemplated climbing to the top of tree, placing a noose around my neck, injecting a large dose of Dia-Morhine shortly after taking a full prescription of Benzo’s.  This way, I would inevitably fall unconscious, fall from the tree and hang myself.  It has one main obstacle, that being, if you were seen climbing the tree?  Even if I were to get as far a climbing there is always the possibility of an upstanding do-gooder coming to ‘my aid’……

Plan B……

 

Plan B goes pretty much the same way a plan a, only I find a place well away from prying eyes, take the same cocktail of drugs with a bottle of Scotch or two thrown in for good measure.  Then make an elasticised bag to put over my head so I could hold it open until I was semi-conscious, releasing it as a drift off.  Over a short period the Oxygen saturation drops inducing Hypoxia. This would have the desired effect only you stand the risk of being found……

Plan C……

 

Goes pretty much the same as the previous 2, only I pluck up the courage to cut myself, either in the Groin or Wrist and attempt to bleed out before anyone gets to me……

There is a Plan D but it cost and someone has to help……

 

Following all of the above I know where I can get a gun.  It comes with a hefty price tag and involves someone else.  That’s the only draw back.  I reckon I could get the same person to smother me whilst unconscious.  No mess, no blood, no trace……  What’s money when you ain’t gonna need it no more……

The Only other Plan……

Helium.  If you can get your hands on enough Helium, you can breath it.  Your body doesn’t struggle for air as it’s the same kinda thing.  You breath it normally and without gasping for ‘air’.  Do it for long enough and your brain is starved of oxygen without you panicking……

 

 

GROUND HOG DAY……

 

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