Suicide – When to Bow Out Gracefully?

8 Nov

The whole of my life has been a disaster, a slow motion car crash of events from childhood to now. Everything I touch turns into an unmitigated catastrophe. Now, my life probably isn’t that different to yours, only you have enough distractions to keep your mind away from the dark thoughts that mine runs through on an hourly basis. I even dream of dieing and am disappointed to wake up.

I had a serious illness as a child which, had I have had the foresight, I wouldn’t have recovered from. I was only 6 months old and had little say in the matter. This left me with permanent brain injury and wonder if it’s that that causes me to think the way I do.

The one and only reason I’m still here now is through consideration of the pain it would leave behind but even that’s under review. Having experienced several deaths of close friend and family in the last two years, I find myself thinking life goes on. Do I spend every day mourning the loss of those people? No, I’ve adapted as I’m sure those left behind if I choose to go will adapt also.

I’m in that group of people born into limbo. Not much chance of a career of any description with nothing to contribute to society. I don’t want to get old and suffer the indignity of not being able to afford to heat my home and eat. Even now I spend my time wondering how I will cope for the next week, month, year and this is enough for me to deal with right now. My health suffers. It’s practically masochistic to exist the way I do. Death is easy, living is hard.

I will continue to consider my options?

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One Response to “Suicide – When to Bow Out Gracefully?”

  1. Jo Mc November 8, 2010 at 12:54 pm #

    Doll, thats just terrible! Please, please please try and drag yourself out of this limbo, start trying to be proactive and imagine how your mum and sister would feel like if you were to do anything so final!
    We all love you *********, start trying to love yourself!
    xxxxxx

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